As I reflect on today’s experiences, I sit next to my wife on the couch in the lobby of the retreat center, listening to, “Lay It All Down” by Will Regan and United Pursuit from their latest Album “Tell All My Friends.” I’m rocking out, stepping back from my computer, entering into worship and surrender, then going back to reflection and typing! God has changed my spiritual DNA and I rejoice the fact that I can do this in front of my wife. God has been reminding me of my past and the first seven years of marriage where I did not see a place for worshipping Him in front of my wife. I felt it was “for the birds” to be “mushy for Jesus” in front of my wife. Thank you Lord for being patient with me and allowing me to grow. I choose to take on your mindset for those around me, especially the ones closest to me.
The morning began with a walk in the rain with my wife around the pond. I took out my voice recorder and captured our 2nd ever audio prayer journal. I like to think of it as a prayer journal and become more and more comfortable with capturing authentic reflection on “tape” and sharing that with anyone in which God wants to bless. Moreover, I believe God is teaching me to be the conduit for his loving gracious and ever present attention towards my wife. When I talk with my wife I want her to experience how much God takes interest in her through the way I listen. This is an ongoing lesson.
My first confession of the day came at breakfast. One of the ladies from the “quilting retreat” (I’m totally assuming it is a quilting retreat!) told me, “you’re a healthy eater!” I had oatmeal and fruit on my plate. Pride started to creep into my mind. I started thinking how people should eat like I eat. But I rejected those thoughts of thinking people should be like me or the lie that I am better off than someone else. This is a new way of thinking for me. In that past I would keep those thoughts going and even gossip. I desperately desire to have the mind of Christ for all people and I reject the lies of the enemy, which is pride and insensitivity to other’s situations in life or backgrounds. I choose to view others though God’s loving and accepting eyes.
As we entered into the next phase of the morning, which was morning worship, my heart was postured to receive whatever truth God had for me. My brother Robert shared what God had given him in regards to his position in Christ as one who is justified and one who is called by God. And it immediately reminded me of God’s attitude toward me; namely, that He desires conversation with me and that there is no possible way I could be bothering God because HE IS THE ONE WHO CALLED ME! We also incorporated a time of worship from the Taize song, “Jesus Remember Me When You Come Into Your Kingdom.” I think about that cry of desperation from the thief on the cross and how he was crying out to Jesus to save him. That is where I am. Lord, save me. Remember me. I am in need of you right this moment.
My favorite part of the morning was receiving truth during morning worship and accepting prayers and hugs from my brothers. We prayed for each other and when it came for me to receive prayer. I got up out of my seat and knelt on the floor with my brothers surrounding me. I confessed my brokenness and my idol of control that often hurts my wife and children. I let the confessions roll off my tongue then followed that with thanksgiving for God’s forgiveness, acceptance and grace. I am not afraid to receive laying on of hands, prayers, hugs, and truth from my brothers (and sisters) in Christ. When I got off the floor a brother helped me off the floor, gave me a hug and gave me truth: “God’s grace is sufficient and made powerful in weakness” (paraphrase mine). Yes! I accept that truth!
The sessions on stress and burnout connected me with lies that I have believed in the past; that is, that people who sleep or stop working are lazy. That is a lie and I reject that type of thinking not only because it is a recipe for stress and burnout, but it is so unlike the Savior who consistently looked for opportunities to withdraw, retreat, and refresh via intimacy with his Father.
Stress has a way of brining out all that is inside. Squeeze a lemon and lemon juice comes out. Squeeze an orange and orange juice comes out. Squeeze a pastor or chaplain and what comes out? The answer is, “whatever that person is filled with is what will come out!” Stress will bring out what is inside that person. When I get home I will continue to retreat through surfing and running the the wilderness and not feel guilt about it. For me, workaholism is the easy way out. Rest and the cessation of working is extremely difficult for me because it challenges what has become normative for me.
I’ll end with the most thought provoking question of the day: “What is it about my ministry that compels me to do more than Jesus did?” If you’re like me, you’ll chew on that one for a while…
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