I can’t believe I’m on a spiritual formation retreat. God gave me a second shot at this. I was in seminary in 2002 when Talbot Seminary/Biola University was in the works of developing the ground-breaking (and to some, controversial) Institute for Spiritual Formation (ISF). By the time the program launched I was taking a class that required attendance at a “spiritual formation retreat.” I remember being highly critical. My friend Erniki and I criticized what we called “weirdo eastern mysticism” and I flat out rejected it. I thought to myself, “God is not at work in contemplating the emptiness of a cup!” So I walked away from that retreat angry and with nothing from God other than how the program needs to “just disappear.” Not too long afterwards, that retreat center burned down in a forrest fire. Rather than being broken hearted for someone else’s loss, I laughed. When I look back at those dark times of anger and indifference, I am thankful that God, in His Grace, never stopped pursuing me. It has been over a dozen years, but God has given me a chance to continue what he wanted to do in me at that retreat. And the icing on this cake is that I not only get a second shot at this thing, but I’m with my soul-mate and best friend - my wife.
I knew the 4.5hr drive from our house to the retreat center would not only be a beast, but it would provide the perfect venue for my wife and I to “go deep,” expose areas of struggle, and rejoice for the victory that God has for us today. I asked her, “What do you think is the next breakthrough for you?” She opened up about some major heart issues that were connected to her past. We had never explored these issues before and I was rejoicing at the revelation that God had given her and the fearlessness he gave her in her vulnerability.
When the question was posed to me I said without hesitation, “I worship the idol of control and I have at the drop of a dime taken my eyes off the Lord and put it on whatever it is that is right in front of me. Typically my wife, son, or daughter, just to name the most frequent three.” And this theme has been coming up all day. I believe God wants these areas of my life exposed and closed. So I will pursue laying down this idol via confession amongst the community. I choose to receive God’s gracious steadfast love through the body of believers.
We arrived at the Shrine Mont about 30min later than scheduled and jumped right into the group welcome session. During the sharing time one of my fellow cohort members explained her current struggles with lack of clarity and direction. And then another classmate demonstrated the same transparency and vulnerability. I felt at home! We can all be broken together. We can all be confused together and unite our supplication for clarity and wisdom from above.
The coin exercise was something I had never done before. We were to collect a penny, nickel, and dime from someone in the room and choose a coin that represented how we feel at the moment. I chose the 2013 penny because that was the year of my, “Dark Night of the Soul.” It was that night when all of my spiritual disciplines and accomplishments no longer “cut it” and God had stripped me of everything. It was the night I was purged of all my “fruit” so that I could bear even more. God brought me to a deeper understanding of his grace and his love. I was now ready for more than I could ever imagine. And it was all through this “dark night” of the soul. I am forever grateful of the first night of the rest of my life.
As the night came to an end, we were instructed to pray with another cohort member. My wife and I found a corner of the room and sat quietly before I opened us up in prayer. I started balling my eyes out and shaking from the tears. “We are here Lord. We. Are. Here. We’re here. We’re here because you told us to come here at all costs. We came here because we trusted that you were going to take care of our kids. You have reminded us that they are not our kids; they are yours and you have them! So, Lord, we are here to surrender to you and say, ‘not our will but yours be done.’ Amen.”
The final event of the first evening was to stand in unity, hold hands and reflect on the words of the song, “Lord Draw Me Near.” And all I have to say to that is, “AMEN.”
Good night!
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