The Lonely Pastor Syndrome Conundrum

Who would ever think that Pastoral ministry could feel so lonely?  Perhaps the symptoms that accompany pastoral burn out can be traced back to root causes of deception that encourages emotional insulation and isolation.  Let me say it like this, maybe pastors or those who are in Church leadership positions throw in the towel or fall because they have been deceived into thinking that protecting themselves and saving transparency and vulnerability with their “peer” ministers.  Why is complete transparency and vulnerability an anomaly from the pulpit?

Henri Nouwen put it plainly: "Somehow we have come to believe that good leadership requires a safe distance from those we are called to lead" (Nouwen, Henri J. M. In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership. New York: Crossroad, 1989., p. 43).  And it does not help doctors of ministry who see doctors of jurisprudence (Lawyers) and medical doctors (physicians) conduct one-direction practice.  

Nouwen encourages us that in John 10:14-15, we see Jesus encouraging Peter “to feed his sheep and care for them, not as ‘professionals’ who know their clients’ problems and take care of them, but as vulnerable brothers and sisters who know and are known, who care and are cared for, who forgive and are being forgiven, who love and are being loved” (Ibid, p. 42-43).

The bottom line for Nouwen is that confession and forgiveness are the disciplines required for leaders to overcome individual heroism.  I am in complete agreement that leaders should “…be persons always willing to confess their own brokeness and ask for forgiveness from those whom they minister.  Confession and forgiveness are the concrete forms in which we sinful people love one another.”  (Ibid., 45).

Consider the antithesis to Nouwen’s approach:

“…some of you that are listening to this don’t have a person like that anywhere near you within a 100 miles because you can’t do it to the elders of the Church, then they’ll know you’re weak and exploit your weaknesses.  You can’t do it to people in the Church because you’re supposed to be their leader. You can’t even share with your spouse because you don’t want to burden them.  So, who do you go to as a minister for confession and for input and for mentoring and for the leading in prayer towards forgiveness…”

I believe the best way I can share the gospel is by showing others just how much I need my Savior.  I want the Elders of the Church to see my brokeness so they know how much I need the Savior and for them to see what it looks like when their friend believes in the freedom that Christ gives (Galatians 5:1).  I want the congregation to see my weakness, so that they won’t look to me to be their savior.  I want to be fully loved by my wife, which can only happen if I am fully known by her.  I prohibit being loved by my spouse if I refuse to be fully known because I wrongly justify in my mind that she will not love me if she knows all of me.

In 2013, my marriage had hit a low point.  I cried out to a friend, named Dan “the plumber” who then agreed to fly 3,000 miles to visit me in Hawaii.  Through much prayer, confession and repentance, I came to realize that I had been in bondage for the past 7 years of my marriage.  I had secrets that I kept hidden so deep I would have forgotten about them had I not been encouraged by Dan and reminded by the Holy Spirit.  The night I decided to “come clean” I went to walk the dogs at midnight.  My wife didn’t realize what I was about to do.  

As I came to the park, I looked up into heaven and told God, “Lord, give me everything I need to confess because I only want to cry once.”  Just then, the Lord brought to my attention two more events in my life that caused so much shame, I felt sick to my stomach.  I cried out, “No! Lord.  I wasn’t asking for you to bring those to my mind!!  I was only referring to what I did during the summer!”  But the Lord had put it on my heart to choose freedom that night.  So that’s what I did.  

After that “night of freedom” I realized that freedom was just as addictive as bondage.  Transparency and vulnerability was a means by which I could be fully loved by other people than my wife.  It was also a means by which I could fully love others in my congregation.  And the freedom we all experienced spread like wildfire.  There was revival in our Church.  

I didn’t save my confessions of brokeness and sinful choices for my peers, but rather for anyone who needed to see the graciousness and goodness of God.  After all, there is no such thing as good news without some bad news.  I had been sharing only the good news of Jesus Christ while avoiding the bad news, which spelled out how much I needed him.  I was a sad, depressed, emotionally insulated and isolated pastor who believed the lie that I should not confess my sins to my wife, congregation, and workmates.  

I have since repented from that mindset and have moved on to the next area of weakness that I am aware of.  And what a gracious reminder: that Jesus will never grow weary of my constant need for him.