Around 1999-2000 I heard about the “Dark Night of the Soul.” Nearly two decades later it finally makes sense to me. I experienced the dark night of the soul in 2014 on a night when all of my secrets came out in the open. My soul was set free and I am no longer a slave to fear. If the dark night of the soul is the night when the enemy (i.e. the flesh, the devil/demons, and the world) is silenced, I most certainly experienced this night as I knelt before my wife and became fully known to her.
When the soul enters into the dark night, all these things are put under control. The flesh will be quieted, the devil will be silent, and the fear will subside, all because of the fact that God takes away all of the sensory pleasure, and the soul is purified in the absence of it (Devotional Classics, p. 35).
Prior to this dark night of the soul was the darkest period of my life. I was seven years into marriage and just under a decade of ministry experience. In hindsight, I see how my soul slowly became calloused and where root sins of deception and idolatry manifested into anger, rage, malice, pride, lust, and unfaithfulness, just to name a few. One of the most shameful events in my life was when I fostered an inappropriate relationship with a friend of our family. God had placed a man in my life named “Plumber Dan” who gave me wise and direct counsel to avoid this woman at all costs just short of sin. I did not heed this counsel.
The enemy had been working overtime on my wife and I because perhaps because we were gaining momentum in our “Freedom Workshop” ministry - a deliverance ministry based on Neil T. Anderson’s Freedom in Christ ministries. I knew I had to confess and make sense of the awkwardness that became apparent, but I chose to withhold details in order to “protect” my wife’s emotions. I had come to that conclusion on my own and not through godly counsel from within the body of Christ. I most certainly did not ask Dan or any other of the men in my life.
It was the Holy Spirit that convicted me that enough was enough. I got on the phone with Dan who prayed with me and ended with, “The enemy has nothing on you brother. You go be free. You are a Child of God and the victory is His” (paraphrase mine).
About midnight, I told my wife that I needed to walk the dogs. She was a bit confused, but acquiesced. As I walked, I looked up toward heaven and told God, “Lord, give me everything I need to confess. I only want to cry once and be done with this!” Immediately the Lord brings two details about the unfaithfulness to my mind. Then he brought two “random” facts from my past. One when I was in middle school and one from a month ago. I was angry with God. I looked up and said, “No! I wasn’t referring to those facts. I only wanted to confess details about the incident this month!” God would not play this game with me. I believe he granted me the faith that would enable me to trust him and be fully known to my wife.
After I made my confessions, my wife was silent. Taken aback, she thanked me for choosing freedom. And then she proceeded to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit and chose to become fully known as well. That night, we experienced the mingling of souls like never before. Seven years into marriage and we were fully known and fully loved by each other for the very first time. Our souls had experienced a mingling that deepened our relationship - everything became color. Couples flocked to us for fellowship and to share their life with us. Domestic violence issues, infidelity, deception, etc. Couples young and old started coming around and God was able to use our stories of brokeness to give hope to others.
Today, we share our story - all of it. We rejoice in the truth that the cross of Christ absorbed all of the shame and guilt that comes with choosing sin over God. The Lord has turned our ashes into beauty and he has turned our shame into his Glory. We have continued our ministry of confession, repentance, and doing life with others.
Why would we dare choose to share ALL of us? Because it is for freedom that Christ has set us free! We are no longer slaves to fear and there is no room in our lives for the spirit of fear, self-condemnation, guilt, shame, or any other yolk of slavery for that matter. The opinions of man pale in comparison to the words of our Father in heaven. I will always clarify with others that I am constantly preaching the gospel to myself because I need to hear it over and over: “Lord, I feel embarrassed to share. But you have set me free and have taken all my shame and guilt away on the cross. You have not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind! I choose to allow you to share my story as I submit my mind and mouth to you. Say what you want to say Lord and I’ll follow.”After the dark night of the soul I never heard a worship song the same; I never saw people the same; I never worshipped the same; I didn’t parent the same; my whole life was changed. It was as if God reached in and replaced my heart. He had changed my spiritual DNA and I felt re-wired for a life of pleasing the Father and helping set the captives free.
Through the dark night, my capital sins were placed on the cross; my pride in Bible knowledge was converted to feeding Jesus’ sheep. My spiritual gluttony turned to exercising the knowledge I acquired to serve others and become a gospel listener for others. In my marriage, I was set free from believing that I “needed” anything from my wife. In fact, I made a list entitled, “What my wife owes me,” which was a blank piece of paper! I no longer criticized others for being “immature” or felt as if I was superior to them. I allowed myself to listen to female speakers! Amazing teachers who have taught me and have deepened my faith - Women such as Beth Moore and Priscilla Shrier. God stripped me of my sexist spirit in the dark night.
God loved me too much to leave me where I was in my faith. He wanted me to grow deeper in my faith so he took me through the dark night to purge me of all the pride that had taken root on my misapplication of Bible knowledge.
I am forever grateful for that dark night of the soul and I pray that God, in His grace allows you to experience this dark night for your joy and his glory.
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