Back to today, the morning started out with my alarm filling the living room with chirps at 0530. I’m always impressed with my dogs tolerance for their slow to rise owner. I “started the day right” on my knees in front of my sink with two sticky notes on the window: “Who is in Control?” and “To whom will I listen to today?” Those two questions, read while on my knees, start the day right for me. Then I moseyed on over to my computer and began jotting down my thoughts on Luke 14, the cost of discipleship and other portions from my Devotional Classics book.
I had breakfast in my system and was “done” with my morning routine before the first person awoke. The first attack today was in the 15min countdown to 0830 - the scheduled departure time to “go to Church.” That is where the first threat was issued. “Get your shoes on…Get your shoes on! GET. YOUR. SHOES. ON!” I”m highly critical of parents who count to three then do nothing when they get there. But my issue is just as ineffective. And we all know that authority does not increase with volume. This is where I felt the first two beasts rush at me. Their names are “control” and “power.” Shortly afterwards, another animal, “comfort” started pulling at my laces. These animals typically pull me down, but I rebuked them and put these idols back in their place; namely, at the foot of the cross.
We were in the car at 0830. But then I couldn’t find my ID. After re-searching the house, I came back to the car and my wife had placed it in the center console. oops. I could tell she felt bad about it and I’m guessing she was reluctant to joke around in fear that it was “too soon” and that my mood would not reciprocate. Honestly, I like it when she breaks my awkward cowardness with a fearless humor. But my head was filled with noise. Like another pack of wild animals, feelings of wanting to control my wife’s words and emotions rushed at me as I pulled out of the driveway. “Really!? Is this happening to me again!? As we are on our way to celebrate the resurrection of the one true God!?” I quickly switched to “quick to listen and slow to speak and slow to become angry” mode. Or was I fearful to fall towards my wife and simply allow God to demonstrate his grace, mercy, and tenderness through me? I was confused. I’ll talk about this confusing in a minute.
My attitude changes when I come into contact with the body of Christ. I think if you would ask me this years ago it was honestly a facade - a “hey how are you amen hallelujah brother” canned response. Today, when someone asks me - and I know who is genuinely asking versus who is getting their pseudo on, I can respond in honesty; “I’m doing okay. I’m glad to be here so I can get my focus back on the creator!” I love brining that brokenness to my fellow brothers in Christ. My tight circle of dudes.
Months ago my wife and I volunteered to teach the children’s church. We knew Easter would be a combined service potentially doubling our congregation in size. We were up for the service. What a treat. The entire children's ChChurch (approximately 50+ joined the main congregation in the “big hall” for worship in music. Before we sent the children into he auditorium, I stood on a chair and told them, “When we heart about Jesus resurrecting from the dead I want you to make the loudest noise and start celebrating like crazy!” Their little eyes lit up as in “are you serious!? YESSSSSS!” hahahaha. I love the innocence of the children. We were placed on the balcony while the grown ups were on the lower level. When I would cheer and clap my hands, the children would light up the room with cheers. When the song, Forever, came on, they had perfect timing and pitch! I was blown away! After the service, the worship leader as well as a few members of the band told me they too were blown away.
I told my wife, I desperately desire for these children to have a mindset about worship that takes God seriously, worships as he is in the room, and forgets about self-consciousness as well as the opinions of others. God has given me a vision for children in our church; namely, that they are set free to worship fearlessly. That they choose a relationship with Christ over bible trivia/head knowledge. I want to teach and cultivate a culture of spiritual warriors who have no secrets and join hands in sweet brokenness at the foot of the cross. This too, is a tremendous spiritual snowball that has already began to build speed.
When I covered the lessons plan for the children, I made one modification to the curriculum. Don't get me wrong. This curriculum is solid and gospel-centered. But the issue I had was the poster board, which said, “Jesus died on the cross to pay for the sins of the world.” I slightly disagree. I see Jesus praying intensely in the Garden of Gethsemane asking and pleading with God the Father for basically a plan B. Is there any other day? But then his attitude is perfect. Father, not my will but yours be done. I kept asking the children why Jesus died on the cross. With every answer, I replied, “that is true! thank you!” And I kept asking until a boy said, “Because God told him to!” In the second class, a little girl named Isabella said, “He did it to please the Father!” I almost fell on the floor! I told both of those children that their answer was the best I’d ever heard.
I then put all the attention on the attitude of Christ and his earthly mission to do nothing more than “Please the Father.” I turned it to application and connected pleasing the father to everything in their lives from domestic situations to school rules. And in the midst of discouragement to find that the power to obey and please the father comes from the power of the resurrection. Simply an amazing time. Oh yeah, we ended our class by singing praise and worship songs and dancing and break dance fighting with each other until the parents came to pick everyone up. yes! Best easter service I’ve ever experienced.
I then put all the attention on the attitude of Christ and his earthly mission to do nothing more than “Please the Father.” I turned it to application and connected pleasing the father to everything in their lives from domestic situations to school rules. And in the midst of discouragement to find that the power to obey and please the father comes from the power of the resurrection. Simply an amazing time. Oh yeah, we ended our class by singing praise and worship songs and dancing and break dance fighting with each other until the parents came to pick everyone up. yes! Best easter service I’ve ever experienced.
The journey of family life continued after Church. Looking back, I realized I apologized to my son twice today; once for squeezing him when he moved during a family photo at a friends Easter party and another time for shaming him after he accidentally knocked his sister off the balance beam in our living room. Both times, he willingly forgave me, then became playful again. I’m completely humbled at his resiliency; his gracious ability to bounce back from being shamed by his “hero.” I am thankful for God’s grace and forgiveness as it passes through my son to me. I am also thankful that because of the resurrection of my Lord Jesus Christ, I am also able to forgive, love, and like myself at this very moment. I choose to expose every area of attack from the enemy. I choose to put to death my flesh, resist the devil, and reject wordy thinking. I choose the freedom that Christ has given me.
Post dark night of the soul, when my eyes were opened and all spiritual disciplines of the past had lost their effect on me, I have been able to watch myself choose sin and be fully aware of it. Sometimes I feel crazy. I most certainly feel confused during these times. And I remember the words of Larry Crab in his book, Becoming a True Spiritual Community,
The upside of confusion is openness. Confused people listen better, not always, but more often than people whose minds are made up…..Confused people are more likely to combine kindness with whatever convictions emerge out of their confusion. And, because of their eagerness for meaningful dialogue with honest people, the convictions they develop tend to speak to the realities of life as it is really lived.1
Crab goes on to say,
Both the confusion and disappointment are, I think, doing their work. I feel more one than ever to moving wherever the Spirit directs, and I am strongly hopeful that He will lead God’s people, including me into a deeper experience of spiritual community.2
Although I chose to engage in the majority of today’s battles solo, I ended the day by texting my accountability partner my confession of not dialing in the body and accepted his love and God’s forgiveness. I had been cold and distant from my wife the majority of the day. Thank you Lord for your constant forgiveness. My wife went to bed early with a headache around 9. I decided to deep clean the kitchen, put away all the dishes, wipe down the sink, do the laundry, and everything else that comes with making a kitchen party presentable. My buddy Matt also was compelled to clean his kitchen! I sent him my conclusion text: “This kitchen is clean!! And since I did it to please the father, I'm free from affirmation or approval!!! Woot woot.”
I can’t get enough of community and be surrounded by men who embrace transparency and vulnerability in honest joined-at-the-hip struggling. And every single man in my inner circle are free from secrets from their wives and have the courage to tell me, “go love your wife!” or “it's time to allow God to love your wife through you.”
I’ll end with this. Thank you, Lord, for going to the cross to please the Father. That sets an example for me to live by. And thank you, Father, for raising Jesus from the dead and fulfilling the prophecy of the messiah. I am so grateful that I do not have to live in my own strength, that I am can do nothing apart from you, and that I have access to the same exact power that raised Christ from the dead. Amen to that!
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1. Larry Crab. Becoming a True Spiritual Community: A Profound Vision of What the Church Can Be. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2007. p. 5.
2. Ibid., 6.
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