Here is the first thing we should keep in mind: We (humans) will never be able to know for certain when someone has a changed heart - we can be deceived. Just ask yourself, have you ever been deceived before and never saw it coming?
On the other hand, I do believe we can know when we have a changed heart versus modified behavior because we will know our motives. For instance, if i'm truly loving my wife because I believe God loves her and wants to love her through me and therefore I submit my words, tone of voice, attitude, and actions towards her, I know for certain that God has changed my heart versus me treating her lovingly just to get something in return (i.e. peace and quiet in the house).
Secondly, let's talk about the "heart." The Ancients described the heart as the deepest part of the person. We are heart, soul, mind, and body - and the order is everything. Our actions are a manifestation of thoughts, that began in the heart.
For instance, if my heart is bitter towards someone. That "root of bitterness" will eventually fill my soul, preoccupy my mind, and work itself into the fruit of anger, rage, and slamming of doors in my house. I'm giving you real examples to make this point.
What do I do in that instance when I am acting like a manic and mistreating my wife and kids? I stop and pray. I examine my heart and usually expose myself to a brother in Christ via phone call or text (i.e. "hey brother, I just slammed a door and yelled at my family for no reason. help!). My friends will look passed the behavioral issues and target my heart.
Here's how that works. They start digging deep down in my heart and ask me questions that force me to be transparent and vulnerable. Two days ago my friend dan asked me, "so what poor choices are you talking about?" I had to be completely vulnerable and confess that I was trying to get my wife's friends attention. In that moment I prayed for God to give me the courage to be transparent and vulnerable. After that conversation, my heart is laid bare and i'm totally exposed.
Now here's the connection with my heart and behavior. My heart was full of guilt, shame, and condemnation because of what I had done. Those roots of shame and guilt manifested into behaviors of yelling at my family and slamming doors in my house. I confessed my shame and guilt to my friend and shortly afterwards to my wife. THAT was real hard, but I had to do it because God wanted me to be free of my shame and guilt.
Guess what happened to my poor behaviors of yelling and slamming doors? Completely gone! Why? because my heart had changed via a Brother in Christ. This is a primary function of the body of Christ. No man is an island; we were created for fellowship. And this type of fellowship goes way beyond behavior modification - it's about heart renovation through the Body of Christ.
In all of this God is sovereign. Our job is to submit our will to him. God is crazy about my wife. All he asks is for me to submit my entire self to him so that he can show his love, grace, mercy, peace, patience, kindness, and self-control to my wife through me. And the same goes for my kids. Submit to Him is they key - because he is sovereign, I can trust that it is best to trust him and be completely vulnerable all the time. Expose my heart every day and not focus on changing my behavior. I'd rather have a changed heart.
I hope this helps. You can see that this question is deep on my heart!
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